If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
