i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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