best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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