Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
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He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
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I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
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