I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
