I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
