After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
