remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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