Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
