I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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