i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
