Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
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Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
ttyl tear gas
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
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Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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