I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Randomize
