this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
