you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
