I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Randomize
