I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
