nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She's the barista slut.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize