Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
My ass is underappreciated
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
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