I want to have your abortion
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
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