I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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