So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
