So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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