I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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