Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
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