Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
