I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Randomize
