take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
