I just made out with a guy for $7.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize
