we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
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