Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
