Moan for me like Helen Keller
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
