At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
