Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
