winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
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