Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
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