I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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