Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
