Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Randomize
