even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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