im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
