this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
My bed smells like the plague
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
