I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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