I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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