Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
