Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'