her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life