Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's