I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
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You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I just want cinnabon and vodka.