and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.