Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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