I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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