So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
