We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
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