Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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