I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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