Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
