This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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