Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
