Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
