Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
organizing the empties. That sober.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
