I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
