So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
