I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
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