Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
