i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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