I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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