I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
